25 February 2022

Things that Make Me Think About My Dad

Did you know that a bidet manufacturer had a "best poop" contest with a $10,000 grand price for Superb Owl Sunday?

Well, now you do.

My dad's life-long battle with his colon, all three of his of his sons called to congratulate him when he got mild dysentery, is a part of Saroff family lore, which is rather scatological at times.

Still, this is clearly the worst attempt to monetize the Superb Owl ever:

If you grew up listening to people complaining about America going to Hell in a handbasket…well, this one’s for you, Kimosabe.

In what appears to be an apparent attempt to drag this country to the bottom of the moral barrel, TUSHY Bidet is asking Americans to send them pictures of your poop. The rules make for a riveting read (BY SUBMITTING AN ENTRY, ENTRANT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THEIR ENTRY MAY BE EXPLOITED ON TUSHY’S WEBSITE, IN TUSHY’S SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE DISCRETION), but can you imagine being one of the poor souls tasked with judging this contest?

If you work for TUSHY Bidet, is this in your employment contract? And does the judging take place before or after lunch?

Are there going to be categories? Best color? Consistency? Size? Does Taco Bell diarrhea disqualify an entrant? And what constitutes “extra flair” of an entry? Are we talking about poop with sparklers and confetti? Or perhaps a color not typically found in nature?

Wait; a poop picture can’t have won another prize? Do you mean to tell me there are other contests? In Japan, maybe?

They announced the winner, and I have no desire at all to click the link .


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