Fuck, This is Real

Not the Onion


This makes Mad Max look like a utopian dream

Misfiring the unlock button at after school pickup and pepper spraying my kids from the side mirrors as they're zapped by the electrified door handles I left armed pic.twitter.com/gawaYO6HcQ

— Eoin Higgins (@EoinHiggins_) January 23, 2023

And here is a disturbingly upbeat video review

For those of you who think that your ordinary SUVs are not hostile and murderous enough, we now have the Rezvani Vengeance, which has options for a smoke screen, pepper spray projectors, and electrified door handles, in addition to the inevitable bullet proofing.

When I first saw this on Twitter, I thought that it was a joke, but it's fucking real.

Prices start at $285,000.00.

In southern California, parking lot warfare just got real. Not content with their supersized pickup trucks and child-killing SUVs, America’s road warriors can now go full military apocalypse, with the arrival of the Rezvani Vengeance.

While its competitors offer heated seats and optional roof-racks, this souped-up SUV boasts bulletproof glass, blinding strobe lights, electrified doorhandles, and wing mirrors that can shoot pepper spray – handy for putting those pesky cyclists in their place.

“Vengeance is yours,” trumpets the website, which details how the car can release a dense smoke screen to confuse people following you, as well as detect electromagnetic pulses from nuclear weapons. Always handy for the supermarket run.

Picking up the kids from school? You can announce your arrival through the car’s booming intercom system. Or why not just drive straight through the gates? The vehicle’s hefty steel ram bumpers and military-grade tyres would make mincemeat of any parking barrier – and dispatch the headteacher while they’re at it.

One thing oddly missing from the Vengeance (priced from $285,000, rising to $499,000 with all the extras) is a rear windscreen, because of course that would be unsafe. Instead, drivers are treated to a live video rear-view mirror and a front camera overlaid with “augmented reality”. Perhaps it shows an imaginary zombie army for you to mow down on your way to the mall.

………

This steroidal tank might seem like an anomalous extreme, but the truth is it represents the broader rise of the average US consumer vehicle into a supercharged killing machine. With its added tactical weaponry and paranoid styling, at least the Vengeance is honest about it.

According to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, drivers behind the wheel of an SUV are two to three times more likely to kill a pedestrian in a collision than when driving a regular car. A study in Michigan found that, at 20-39 mph, 30% of SUV crashes resulted in a pedestrian fatality, compared with 23% of car crashes. While, at 40mph or above, 100% of SUV crashes resulted in a pedestrian death, compared with 54% of car crashes.

Like I said, hostile and murderous. 

When I shit like this, I understand why Osama bin Laden wanted to destroy our nation and our culture.

I do not approve, but I understand.